Down In the Dumps

Anybody who knows me knows that much of what I write is a collaborative work of stories I've been told, conversations I've been pulled into, and what I try to keep to a minimum, personal experience. There's too much at "stake like Philly" (Jay-Z) for me to give specific life experiences, so I generalize things. REMEMBER THAT PEOPLE! I'm not disclaiming anymore blogs from this day forth. What I do is make an effort to honor the commitment on my home page and write entertaining and informative pieces. With that being said I'd like to dive into this post that goes into detail about how to properly take...a...dump.

First thing you do once you have a seat on the toilet--

Now now don't get your panties in a bunch, I'm kidding. What I mean by how to properly take a dump is getting over a recently ended relationship. And by ending I mean, not by you, henceforth, a "dump." DUMP in the sense that this relationship lasted a significant amount of time (over six months) you were faithful but for some reason got cancelled like "Homeboys in Outer Space."

Being dumped is no an easy task to handle, especially, if you Love that person. But Love is for suckers anyways. If you were in Like with that person and they break your heart by ending the relationship you have to acknowledge the situation, understand the situation and shake loose.

The first thing you need to do after being released from your relationship is acknowledge the fact that (1) you're not dreaming (2) you've been sent and (3) it's actually over. I know that sounds harsh but more often than not I hear about people who are in denial about being let go and still think that they are still "with" that person, even after they embarrassed them on the jumbo-tron at the Arena Football game. Let's face it, no matter how high of a horse you once rode on, nobody is exempt from the taxation of getting that ass dumped, that's real shit. So once you cleanse your soul of denial and realize that "no you are not tripping" and "yes your loved/liked one did  just tell you that they no longer want to be with you" you're already off on the good foot. Now that you have acknowledged the situation, it's time to get a better understanding of it.

"M-A-R-Y-H-O-W-C-O-U-L-D-Y-O-U-B-E-S-O-C-R-U-E-L-T-O-M-E-M-Y love" (Musiq) They say it's not what you say but how you say it. Once you've acknowledged the fact that you've been dumped, you have to get an understanding of the situation and you could play yourself (for my white readers, that's negro for embarrass yourself) if you're not careful how you seek for clarity. You don't want to be all teary eyed and asking "WHYYYYYY????" That doesn't make the situation any better, you got to have a level head and step outside of the situation like a complete stranger and try to get an understanding of the situation so you'll know if it's something you can work through, or if your significant other would even want to work through it. Gather your emotions, try to speak without being hysterical or interrogative and just listen to all that your significant other has to say because you may learn some things that you never knew initially. [Here comes the breakdown] 

Fellas, let me start with you first! Because you (we) take longer to comprehend these things. Usually Fellas, if the woman breaks up with you it can be only one of two reasons if not both. (a) She's fed up with your crap and her FEELINGS, (women are all about feelings) can no longer handle it or (b) There's another man who shows that potential to treat her as good if not better than you did in the early stages. The crap in letter (a) I'm referring to is the shit that you do that ya'll argue about constantly that never seems to end, whether it be you not showing enough FEELINGS (because women are all about feelings) or you not appreciating her (which is also a FEELING) up to her standards. In a nutshell it's something that you do that she can't put up with anymore. Letter (a) has the tendency to lead to letter (b) because she has faith that you'll clean up your act and that faith gets lost. God forbid if letter (b) is the case, and there is another man, you may as well GET LOST and start sending out some resumes. One thing I know and that is women are utterly unlike men in the sense that they don't leave their men (especially if he's a good man) for another man, unless she has already broke him off "a lil somethin somethin" and feels guilty about it. TRUST. I don't know many men that are attracted to a woman the same after finding out she gave the goodies that once had his name on it, to another. Can I get an Amen? Put your money in the plate.

Ladies, let me put you up on something. The general population of men will tolerate all those things that make you unbearable as long as deep down inside he knows your a keeper. Which contrary to popular belief isn't necessarily a good thing. This isn't necessarily a good thing because if you are a keeper and you are too much for his sanity to handle, he won't dump you, he'll just cheat on you. Sorry it's the way the world works. No sense in relinquishing a keeper to those hounds mentioned in the post about "Spring Fever." Like the old saying goes "It's cheaper to Keep Her." But this post is about dumping, so, Ladies if you are the dumpee in this case, there's only one reason. The L word. Yes it is possible for a man to experience the bloody L word...Lust. [I can hear you gasping, don't gasp] Yes you thought I was going to say love, FOOLED YOU! Snoop set the standard in '94 about Love. So yes my precious Ladies, if a man breaks up with you Lust is the reason. His lust for another woman or multiple women is what sparked his recent termination for you. Ok ok, I'll admit, the other L word, Love has something to do with it too! He loves you that much, that he won't allow his lust for other women, to allow him to be an infidel to you therefore he severs the ties so that he can "technically" be single when he's "sowing his royal oats" or soiling his royal oaks as my good friend likes to say. Laugh Out Loud. Now I know what your thinking, "so according to JLB I'm not a keeper?" Absolutely! You are not my dear. No seriously, you very well could be a keeper, but he's the true keeper, because he cared enough to end it than to do you wrong. Keep him honey! Well...you can't, I guess, but that's why I'm here. Let him go, if he truly is a keeper like I'm telling you he is, he'll come clawing back at the screen do' (door) when it gets cold outside and the pussycats are no longer in heat. TRUST.

So once you've realized that either he or she is or is not a keeper it's time to shake loose. By this point you're aware that it's over and you have a better understanding of what is going on. Shaking loose is the most difficult part in properly taking a dump. To shake loose you have to no longer want to be with that person. In most cases the dumpee doesn't want it to end just yet. Whether that's the case or not, you can not, let me repeat this, CAN NOT, continue to engage in sexual activities after you break up. Once they go, the sex needs to go with it. What it does is provide a false sense of hope that things are still good and are heading back to how it used to be, which is possible, but it's like a 1/5 chance that that's the case. No relationship, no sex and if you're a woman you hold the upper hand in this scenario because the flip side to a man sowing his oats is that he's taking on several personalities and several menstrual cycles, and when he can't get none, he's going to be nostalgic of the times ya'll "made like" when he hears your favorite slow song. Once it reaches that point Ladies, winter begins. If the reason for the split is because of another, then the only thing that's going to soothe the pain is for somebody deserving of all that you bring to the table to lick those wounds. The more you sit and reminisce the harder it is to cope and the farther back you slide into denial of the fact that it's over, which we accomplished in step one. If the reason for "The Departed" was because of something you did, you need to do some soul searching and work on some things back at home.

The best thing about getting dumped (I know that sounds weird to say) is that it gives you new perspectives on a lot of things. It could be new people, new lifestyles, or new ways to problem solve...but that's just What JLB Thinks