Baby, How Do I Look?

"Baby, How Do I Look?" How often have you heard that one fellas? Like once or twice...an hour? I'm really placing the family jewels on the table with this post for all the fellas. Since this has the potential to be my last blog post because I foresee pissing a lot of women off, I want to revert back to my thank you message atop my home page. Welp, now that we got that out the way, let's get down to business.

Women are "jealous attention seeking individuals" is a direct quote from a good friend of mine. And I hate to have to pop your teardrops and burst your snot bubbles ladies, but it's true. But that's not a bad thing! Err completely bad thing. It's an "I understand" thing. I didn't always understand it and a lot of men don't understand it so let's all give Google a Naughty By Nature "Hip Hop Hooray" for blogspot.com. Today's lesson is intended to bridge the gap a "teency weency" bit between the infallible species of women and the obtuse, primitive beasts, they attract.

The picture posted above that you may or may not have seen before, is Picasso's "Girl Before a Mirror," painted in 1932. Picasso was 50 years old at the time and to no suprise, had circled the block many of time, this I am sure of. This portrait stood out to me as if it was to say "Baby, How do I look?" for the umpteenth time before she went out on her date. The portrait is an abstract and that describes women to the T. Abstract. What makes women so abstract is the fact that they so desperately crave for attention and will do anything possible to attract men, whether it be wearing a whore's uniform, raiding the MAC counter, forking her hair to one side, or flat out going under the knife. (::wagging my index finger:: BUT DON'T YOU TELL HER THAT!) What makes it so ironic is that all those things only make men attracted to the physical aspects...your outer booty, not your inner beauty if you will. But in the aforementioned statement I said women are abstract which means they can only be truly appreciated intellectually.

Women are such leeches for attention that they will stoop to the lowest of lows and the most contrasting of contradictions so they're not the odd women out. What I mean by this is, it's a little to known fact that women like to experience things together (together meaning during the same time of their lives) whether it be losing their virginity, getting pregnant, and our favorite destination to avoid on the I-95 of life, marriage. No woman wants to be 30 and all her 30 year old girlfriends are married. For one she's going to cry at each ceremony not because it's a joyous occasion but because she's jealous. Two it makes her think "what is it about me that's preventing my man from wanting to tie the knot?" But marriage is an entirely different blog post to come, this is about attention and the fact that women crave for it. So now that we know women like things to happen at the same point in their lives, no woman likes to sit in her office (providing she has a job) and hear about a coworker (who she talks shit about everyday...to you might I add) who is doing something in her life that your woman has not already experienced. And if EVERY woman in the office is going through it my brother, well u may as well tie that $300 Gucci Belt around ur neck and become your very own piece of "Strange Fruit" because you will have to hear about it until it's no longer the talk of the office. The same is to be said if you hear about your woman's cohorts that receive flowers on occasion at the job, and she's not the woman at the office getting flowers. She's going to make certain that you have to hear about it, even if she tells you on your first date that she doesn't even like flowers and that they are "stupid," to say the least. It's not your fault fellas because she did tell you that she doesn't like flowers, and no, you are not crazy. What she should have said is she doesn't like to receive flowers in private. ALL WOMEN LIKE TO RECEIVE FLOWERS PUBLICLY. Why do you think you see that same annoying ass dude with the Roses during every nightclub let-out!?!? She may not have a green thumb on either of her hands and that $120 bouquet may wither within 2 days of her setting it on the dining table; as long as somebody else got to see the spectacle, and comment on how "sweet" you were for sending them, she'll love the shit out of those flowers and its soil, even if she hates flowers.

The fact that you crave attention is not your fault ladies, I don't blame you. Especially not the ladies of 2008. Not my Celebrity Fit Club, Flavor of Love, America's Next Top Model (ANTM) addicted women of 2008. No way Jose! How could I? The world that you live in is saturated with images to not only make you feel like shit, but convince you, in a way that a man could never convince you to do some of those things he saw Mr. Marcus do; but CONVINCE you and your lying eyes, that you are not as beautiful as those shown on TV. While your patiently waiting for your turn to thumb the clicker, she's being brainwashed by ads for Covergirl and Loreal thinking "maybe I wasn't born with it, maybe I need" Maybelline. All Viacom wants to do is show you how beautiful you can be if you do like the women on these shows and show you that there's a bit of stardom to be attained from it all. I'm not going to blast ANTM or any of those other shows because what we as men realize, that women sometimes lose sight of, is that those shows are solely intended for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. How else can Miss Gay Alexander, a BLACK MAN dressed as a woman, seriously tell a white woman and a sprinkle of sisters what a man will like? I know I know it's "reality TV," but reality TV is by no means a reality, especially if your black. Otherwise they wouldn't edit the episodes you see. So lets not think that we as men rather have a woman that looks like the women she's jealous of on TV, because she's the one that's jealous, not us! Sure we as men may fantasize about Kerry Washington, and Angela Lola Luv but that doesn't mean we appreciate them intellectually, because they're not as abstract as you, BABY. 

Ladies! If we thought you didn't look presentable we would tell you. Because believe it or not, you are a representation of your man. And he knows that! Which is why if he never takes you out my dear, NEWS FLASH! This Just In...He's not your man! You may think he is, but he's not! You are not who he wants to be represented by when he steps out there in the public eye. You don't need to ask your man "Baby, How Do I Look?" because he will be the first person to tell you that your cute little Tiffany's bracelet looks a hell of a lot better with that blouse than that hideous Juicy Couture charm bracelet that you love to wear because you seen Kimora Lee's fat-neck-ass wearing it. It's not that we don't care how you look, but it's more like we don't care to the degree that you care, how you look. We know what your crusty eyed, dooby wrap wearing, foundation-less face looks like when your head hits/bounces off that pillow each night and day. So as long as you made a conscious effort and you don't look like Macy Gray, baby you're ok! More than likely we are content, but to you, we seem like we "don't care." 

Fellas! Just because I have enlightened the ladies doesn't mean that you keep on doing what you're doing, make the conscious effort to tell your lady she looks good in that get-up (before she asks you). This way the both of you are just one "teency weency" step towards understanding each other a little better...but that's just What JLB Thinks